i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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