Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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