Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
