There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
