my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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