is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
