Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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