my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
