I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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