UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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