Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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