I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize