she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
