i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
