i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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