Only a mothe r could love this liver
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
