I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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