I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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