I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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