Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
