someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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