I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize