She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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