I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
