You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
