guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
