I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
