No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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