insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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