can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
