my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
