hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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