3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
