found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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