If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize