Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
