Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
