the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Quick, to the slutcave!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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