Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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