i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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