I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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