the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
