I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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