I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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