Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
