Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
