If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
