don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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