Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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