And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
