how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
