just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
