glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
