Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
