I think I died a long time ago.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
