an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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