Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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