i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize