was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
